Piper thought about it for a moment.

It was hard for her to recall that specific time in her life without feeling panic in her chest. She glanced around at her friends, all of them waiting for her to respond, and smiled. She felt safe here. “Honestly, I think right after it happened, I felt like I would never be enough for Michael. It’s so weird, because the overall experience was good.” She glanced at Emma. “Your husband is very sexy and knows how to give pleasure. Everyone had a good time. It didn’t really hit me until I couldn’t get up the next morning. Instead, I was assaulted by visions of Michael shaking his head at me and this deep feeling that I had failed.”

“But Michael was happy that night,” Emma said. “I remember it distinctly. But I also remember that you weren’t your usual spunky self when we were done. I told Pete after you left that I didn’t know if you’d be up for it again. Then we didn’t see you guys for about a year. But you did eventually come back, and you seemed happy. But the first thing you told us, unequivocally, was that you wouldn’t be having sex with anyone—including your husband—during our encounters. That was a change, but we rolled with it.”

Gillian drummed her fingers on the table. “I have a thought. Piper, your husband is really good-looking—like, ridiculously so. That man should at least get a bad haircut once in a while so we can all feel adequate in our own lives.”

Piper grinned. “Yeah, I know. He’s dreamy.”

“Your feelings of not being enough for him might stem from that. You’ve always gotten off on other women craving him, wanting him, and him getting off on them. But is that how you truly felt? Or is that what you thought you deserved?”

“Deserved? How you do mean?” Piper asked.

Gillian placed her elbow on the table. “You know me, I’m going to say whatever I want, so take it with a grain of salt. But when you first met Michael, did you think, ‘Hey, this is a great match for me. He’s totally my equal!’ Or did you think, ‘Wow, this guy is way too good-looking for me. I’d be lucky to land him, but even if I do, he’s never going to be into me’?”

Piper reflected for a moment. “You know, now that I think about it, the first two things that went through my head the first time I saw him were: ‘I want to fuck this guy so bad, and even if I get one night it will be enough,’ and ‘He will never be satisfied with only me.’ Michael was a player before I met him. But so was I. I never faulted him for that. It was just the way it was.”

Caroline slapped her palm on the table. “That’s it! You’ve subconsciously sabotaged your own feelings right from the get-go. For your entire marriage you’ve felt inadequate, thinking Michael would always desire other people! So you convinced yourself that you’re turned on by what you thought Michael wanted. But it’s not what he really wanted! Oh, this is so good. We’re finally getting to the gooey center.”

Gillian turned to Caroline. “The gooey center? What are they, a couple of lollipops?” Gillian couldn’t suppress her grin. “You’re like if Sesame Street started producing furry orgies.”

Caroline snorted. “Hey, it’s taken a lot of licking to finally get to this center, so they just might be lollipops. But that’s neither here nor there. What Piper needs to do now is figure out what she wants independently of what she thinks Michael wants, and then do it. If she can survive that without breaking down, and thinking she’s going to lose her husband, she’s on her way to being healed!” Caroline glanced excitedly at Piper. “I really think this is going to work!”

Piper started to laugh.

Caroline’s face was so sweet and earnest.

But Piper was laughing because the relief was overwhelming. Caroline was totally right. “When did you get so intuitive?” Piper asked her pal. “I think you’ve been holding out on me. I should’ve just confessed all my sins to you the day you moved in next door, and it would’ve saved me a lot of time and energy in the stress department.”

Caroline picked up her gin and tonic. “Oh, no, if you would’ve told me back then, I would’ve been totally aghast. Jace and I would’ve likely moved. I would’ve been too intimidated by you.” She took a sip and set her glass back down. “I wasn’t ready then, but I am now. The question is, what do you need in your life? What turns you on? No more taking a passive role, and no more worrying about your husband. He totally loves you. You’re his sun and moon! He’s not going to stray, and you’re not going to break up.”

Emma nodded. “Caroline is right. You’ve always been all about Michael’s pleasure. But like I told you at lunch a few weeks ago, Michael wasn’t into it like you thought. He just wanted you to be happy, so he was playing the role he thought you wanted him to play.”

“It sounds like you were both acting the parts,” Gillian added. “Both thinking if you didn’t give each other what the other wanted, you would drift apart or fall out of love. It’s kind of romantic in a weird way. These two beautiful souls who come together and try their best to make the other one happy, even though they’re both going against what they truly desire.”

Piper tried to speak, but there was a lump in her throat.

All the things they were saying rang true.

She just hadn’t wanted to see it. She’d been so worried about losing Michael all these years that she’d become passive to make sure he had what he needed.

The waitress came at that moment and set down their food.

The girls busied themselves scooping it onto small plates. Once Piper had her plate full, she folded her hands in front of her and said, “I want to thank all of you. You’re all right. The root of this is that I’ve been fearful that I would never be good enough for Michael. It was love at first sight for me. He was—is everything I ever wanted in a man. Hot, sexy, smart, funny. I think I convinced myself right then and there that he would never feel the same way about me. Our first time together was just too perfect, almost surreal. Then we got married, and I couldn’t believe my luck.” She shook her head and took a bite of her flatbread. After she finished chewing, and trying to swallow around her still tight throat, she glanced around. The girls were patiently waiting for her to finish. “Instead of doing what I wanted, I did what I thought he wanted, so he’d continue to love me. But in the end I was miserable. It ended up pushing us apart anyway. This past year has been really tough.”

Caroline reached across the table and grabbed on to her hand. “What you don’t see, that we all see clearly, is that Michael is deeply in love with you. And I mean the man couldn’t be more smitten. He’d do anything for you. You’re his person. His perfect soul mate. I think if you asked him, he’d tell you he’s been as miserable as you’ve been all this time. Now you guys are finally back on a track, and that’s wonderful.”

“Yes, and as much as it’s work, the top ten was the spark you needed to be you again,” Emma said. “It was a great catalyst. But I think you originally did it because you thought it would make Michael happy, right?”

Piper nodded. “Right. I love the sex, but I hate that it feels planned. Just like all those years of setting stuff up ahead of time. We had the best sex ever the night we went to Le Repas. We went at it in the service elevator like when we first met. It was amazing. That’s what I want. More of that. To feel free, happy, and get my much-needed adrenaline rush.”

“So what are you going to do now?” Gillian asked. “Just like Caroline asked you before, what turns you on? Independently of Michael. And I just have to say here that I respect you for what you did for your guy, consciously or not. I’m the polar opposite of you. I do everything I want, and everyone else can fuck off. But now that you’re bringing all this up, I don’t even know if Brad loves what we do. He seems into it, but is he really? That’s something for me to ponder. I love my man, but I’m also one selfish bitch.” She took a drink of her beer. “I don’t know if I could even change my ways if I found out he wasn’t into it.” She shook her head. “I’m going to have to do some soul searching of my own.”