“No but I can’t wait forever Maddy.  It kills me when you are with him.  The way he looks at you.”  He stands up taking my hand.

“How does he look at me?”  I bite my lower lip unsure of my question.

Trent looks back at me and then flicks his eyes forward again.  “Help me clean this mess up.”  Not answering my question.

A few hours later Trent drops me off at my mom’s house.

“Finally girl.  I have been calling you all night.”  Ian runs towards me embracing me.

“What’s all that?”  I ask looking over his shoulder to the scattered pictures across my living room floor.

“Your mom and I are trying to find a picture of your dad.”  He walks back over to the coffee table.

“Why?”  I ask placing my purse on the new bench in the foyer and following him.

“Jack and Lindsey want to display a picture with a lit candle at the church and reception in honor of him.”  My mom answers caring two glasses of ice tea.  She is wearing another new Capri and button down shirt outfit and her hair is perfectly styled in the bob.  Where was this woman when I was growing up?

“That’s nice.”  I pick up some of the pictures thumbing through them.

“Your mom said she is having a hard time finding the right one.”  Ian said.  “I must say though, your dad was a gorgeous man.”

“Like Jack” my mom and I say at the same time.  We look at each other and she smiles at me but I don’t.  I am not ready for some grandmother daughter relationship she seems to want.

Everyone who knew my dad when he was younger saw the resemblance of Jack turning into him as he got older.  The dark hair and striking green eyes is the first thing people notice but if you truly knew both of them it was their high cheekbones and narrow nose they shared as well.

“Yeah, I see it.  Both complete hotties.”  Ian smiles over to me and I smile back.  “Such a shame.  Which brings me to my next question?”

“Do I even want to ask?”  Picking up some more pictures looking at the family photos.  I can’t believe my mom even kept these.

“Are there any men in this town that play for my team?”  He asks.  “Kenna has been taking me around since you have been busy with the Basso brothers and I haven’t seen one and trust me I know when I see them.”

I roll my eyes in his direction for the Basso brother comment.  “I guess I never noticed.  They are probably hidden in the closet still.”  I shrug.

“I can tell you where to go Ian.  There is this bar about twenty minutes out of Belcrest.  In my high time I went in there and couldn’t figure out why no one was hitting on me and then the bartender told me to look around.”  My mom divulges.  Of course she would know of a bar.

“Let’s go tonight Maddy.”  He is up on his knees clapping his hands in excitement.

“I’m exhausted and I have to take care of some stuff.” I say.

“Maddy, you need a night away from those boys.”  He pleas. “Clear your head.  You love the gay bars because no one bothers you there.”

“We have the Bar-B-Que.”  I whine.  I’m not sure why I don’t want to go.  Ian and I have so much fun going out in New York and he is right I always favor the gay bars because no one comes up behind me when I dance trying to hump me.

“After” he begs.

“Um…”

“You should go Maddy.  These boys have been running you wild the whole week.  Once Friday comes it will be crazy.  Go enjoy yourself.”  My mom pushes.

“Okay.  After the Bar-B-Que.  Let’s invite Kenna too.”  I say.

“We can invite everyone.  Barb, did you want to come?”  He asks her.

She looks from Ian to me and shakes her head no but her eyes looks distraught and upset.

“I’m surprised you kept all these pictures.”  I change the subject.

“Why?”  My mom asks.

“I don’t know.  I just figured after you and dad divorced you wouldn’t want to remember them.”  I shrug my shoulders.

“Ian, would you excuse us a minute?”  My mom asks him.  Poor Ian, I have left him alone this whole week.  He keeps getting shut out due to the family issues.  I owe him tonight.

“Of course Barb.”  He winks at me while getting up and going upstairs to Jack’s room.

“Maddy, I know I wasn’t the best mother especially after your dad and I divorced.  I see the hatred in your eyes.”  She swallows hard hesitantly grabbing my hand with hers.  “But I did love your father and our family together.  When he asked me for the divorce, I knew it was coming, I knew it was my fault.”

“Dad asked you for one?”  I had thought for sure it was the other way around.

“Yes, but he had every reason to.  I was gallivanting around behind his back for years.  I don’t know if it was because we married so young or I was just being self-centered.  I felt like I missed out on something by marrying my high school sweetheart.  Then he had to start going out of town and I was responsible for you and Jack all the time, I assumed he was cheating on me so I decided to start living my life.”  She squeezes my hand.

“After he asked for the divorce and I knew it wasn’t because of another woman coming between us, I lost it and started going out more and drinking more.  Somewhere in all of that I forgot I was a mother and I abandoned you and Jack.  Jack was older so he probably embraced the freedom it allowed him to have but you were so young.  I’m sorry Maddy.”

I shake my head up and down.

“I wish I could say your dad’s funeral was my low point but as we both know it wasn’t.”

I shake my head in agreement.  The fateful night that I assume she is going to bring up and I can’t talk about it.  Especially not in this room.  It might be redecorated but I can still visualize the night clearly.

“The way I acted, bringing that guy, being drunk when you and Jack needed me there for you.   I was so upset when I found out, I stayed drunk the whole week, going out and finding men to replace him.  I guess a part of me always thought your dad and I would get back together.”  She takes her glass taking a sip and I see her hand is shaking as she picks up the cup.

“You were so right to yell at me.   I wish then I would have realized what I had done to you.  The regrets I have consume my thoughts every day.  I know you can’t forgive me and I understand but I want to tell you something.”

“Ok.”  I whisper.

“After that night and I mean the next morning after I knew you were ok at the hospital, I checked into a rehab facility.  I have been clean for two years now.”

“That’s good.”  Did she think this would make me all better?  “Why didn’t you tell me?”  I ask.

“I wanted to prove it to you.  I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry for everything I did.  I love you and I hope one day you will forgive me but if you can’t I understand.”  She pats her hand on my knee standing up and walking away.

This trip just gets better and better every minute.  I am happy for my mom.  That she is finally getting her life back but I still resent her for what she did and what she didn’t do for me.  It makes me realize it is time, time to go.  I have been ignoring the pull since I got here.  The problem is I can’t ask Gabe to take me and I don’t want to ask my mom because I don’t want her asking any questions.  I decide to go for a run over there.  It is only two miles, I am sure my body hasn’t forgotten how to run in the year I have deserted it.

I dig through my drawers in my room, finding my running shorts and shirt.  Luckily I have a pair of old running shoes in the closet as well.  The shorts and shirt are a little tight considering my body changed over the years but it will do.  This way I can escape without anyone knowing where I am going.

The first two blocks are horrible.  My breath is so uneven I think I am going to have to stop but something kicked in when I hit the corner.  My stride and breath come back to normal.  I knew my body would remember.  When I get to the cemetery entrance I’m not prepared to see Trent’s car there.  I can see him up on the hill kneeling on the ground.  I don’t want to interrupt him so I stay down by his car until he is finished.  I wonder if he comes here often.