I am mesmerized watching him as he talks to the right of the headstone.  He wipes his eyes a few times showing me he is crying.  He didn’t forget, this whole time I thought he had.  Tears are welling up in my eyes when he turns around stopping suddenly at the top of the hill.  He is too far away for me to see but I know the sorrow he feels, I feel it too.

I am playing with my fingers looking at the ground when he walks up to me.

“Hey” his voice shaky.

“Hey” is all I can say back.

“Do you come here a lot?”  He asks.

“My first time since that night.”  I shamefully admit.  “You?”

“Every time I come back to town.”

I look up surprised at his response.

“I know you think I don’t care but I do Maddy.”

“No, that’s not it.”  I shake my head back and forth.

“It’s Ok, I have been a selfish prick most of our life.”  He puts his hand on my arm.  “But this” he motions up the hill.  “It’s something I can never forget.”

“I know.”  I gulp hard trying to get my tears to subside until he leaves.

“Well, I will leave you alone.”  He kisses my cheek and walks over to the driver side.  “By the way, nice running clothes.  I think I remember tearing those off of you a time or two.”  He smirks bringing humor to the uncomfortable situation.

I smile up to him but say nothing more.

I wait until Trent drives away then stand at my last feat.  It took too much strength to come here in the first place, now I have to make it up that hill Trent just came down from.  I slowly walk up looking at the numerous headstones with names I recognize of schoolmates or neighbors.  Everyone in town is or would be buried in the cemetery.

Finally I reach my destination.  Jennings reads over the headstone.  It is my dad’s family headstone.  My grandparents and one uncle are also laid here.   I sit down ready to face him.  The angel statue next to his name reminds me I should have come sooner.

“I wish you were here.  You always gave me the best advice.”  I run my hand across his name.  “I don’t know what to do about Gabe and Trent let alone mom.  What has happened to my life?”

I sit there in silence listening to the birds chirping and leaves swaying in the wind.  The cemetery is off the main roads so there is no noise of cars or people.  I don’t know what I expected to get from this.  I pick at the weeds around the family stone contemplating leaving thinking maybe this was a mistake.

“I miss you…every day.”  I softly say.  “I know I haven’t been here but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.”  I touch the angel caressing the ridges with my thumb.

“I hope you will forgive me.  Isn’t it absurd, I am asking for your forgiveness when I can’t forgive mom or Trent?  Is there an act that is unforgivable?”  I shake my head knowing there are but what mom and Trent did are not unforgivable.

“I know you would tell me to forgive them you never were one to hold grudges.  God, why did you have to die on me?”  I put my head in my hands crying.  “My life is a disaster dad.  Gabe found me at Trent’s apartment today and he thinks I slept with him but I didn’t.  Trent wants me to desert Gabe and move right back in with him but I love Gabe, at least I think I do.  Now mom tells me she has been clean for two years and she hasn’t told me until now.  I have been living my life for three years with no one to look over me or guide me.  I am so mad at you for leaving me.”  I pound my fists onto the ground crumpling.

“I was mad at first too.”  The deep voice speaks behind me.  I didn’t hear him come up.  “I would sit here and scream at him for leaving us but eventually it stopped.  It wasn’t his fault Maddy, he didn’t want to leave us.”  He rests his hand on my shoulder.

“Oh Jack, I miss him so much.”  I try to wipe the tears but I can’t catch them fast enough.

“I know Maddy, I know.  I do too.”  He kneels down wrapping his arms around me tight.  “Talk to me.  I know I haven’t been the most welcoming to talk about your love life but listening to you now makes me feel like a shitty brother.”

“You don’t want to hear it Jack.  This week is about you and Lindsey.  My problems shouldn’t be your concern.”  I say into his chest my breathing still unsteady.

“I want to help you.  Come on let’s go get something to eat.”  He stands up asking for my hand.  My fingers rub across the letters and the angel one more time before I take Jack’s hand.

“Bye, I promise I will be back.”  I pull my hand back closing my eyes.

“Hey dad, I’ll come back later.  Got to take care of our girl.”  Jack speaks casually.  He wraps his arm around my shoulders and I realize he is in his running gear too.  Looking down the hill I don’t see his car.  I guess I am getting my exercise in today.

“I picked it up after dad.  Wanted to make sure my heart stayed in good shape.”  He says noticing my curious expression at his attire.

“Funny, me too.”  I admit.

“Hey do you know anything about that angel?  One day it just appeared there.”  He asks.  I bite my lip unsure if I should tell him.

“Huh” I look back at the cement angel that sat on the right of my dad’s headstone.  I don’t exactly lie I just don’t divulge all the information.  Maybe I can tell him one day but not yet.

We walk over to the diner in town.  We are lucky this town is so small, easy to access on foot.  The diner is decorated in fifty style with teal, black and red sprawled throughout with the long counter wrapping all around the kitchen area lined with stools.  Booths are placed around the windows.  It is midafternoon so it is bare with the exception of some older gentleman at the counter.

Jack picks a table in the back that I assume is for privacy.  In this town everyone wants to know everyone’s business.  The young waitress comes over, maybe a high school student and we order fries and milkshakes.  I know I am taking my chances getting into that dress on Saturday if I keep my diet like I have.

“So, I promise I won’t judge.”  Jack says laying his forearms on the table.  “I know a little of the love triangle, Doug has filled me in a little throughout the years.”  He admits and I see the anguish in his eyes that he never asked me before.

“Are you sure Jack?  I could always talk to Lindsey or someone else.  Is this going to make you feel uncomfortable?”  I ask.

“Maddy, I’m fine.  We are adults now.  I am your brother.  I want to help you.  Not to mention, I know the Basso brothers the best after their mom and dad.”

Jack has a point there.  “Ok, tell me if you want me to stop at some point.”

He makes a face at me so I continue.  “Well, I always thought I was meant to be with Trent….” I start to tell my brother the story of my life he isn’t familiar with.

An hour later, our milkshake and fries have been consumed, Jack looks emotionally exhausted and I finally take a much needed rest from talking.

“When I say this I want you to know I love Trent and Gabe like my own brothers.  Knowing them both I have a preference of who I want my little sister to be with if I only have them to choose from.  But this isn’t my decision and to tell you the truth I think you know who you want to be with but you are just afraid of the answer.”  He motions for the waitress.  So much for brotherly advice, he heard my story now he is ready to leave.

The little blonde comes over giving my brother a once over.  Seriously, he is like fifteen years older than her.

“Can we get two more shakes and some water?”  He asks.  I look up at him in surprise.

“No, I will have a diet soda.”  Jack looks up at me.  “I have to fit into that dress on Saturday.”  I smile.

“Oh yeah, me too.”  I cock my eyebrow at him.  “You know what I mean.”  He waves me off looking at the waitress.  “I’ll have a diet soda as well.”

She nods her head smacking her gum leaving to fill the order.