The clattering of pots and pans wake me the next morning. The television shut off and a blanket over my body, has me thanking Aunt Holly. Then my heartbeat increases. The kids. I quickly stand up and am about to run upstairs when Holly is smiling my way as she whisks eggs. “Relax and have a cup of coffee,” she says motioning with her hands.

“Chloe. Did she wake up? Have a nightmare?” I’m practically breathless from the anxiety.

“She did wake up, but I was able to ease her back down. It was only once.”

“Thank you. I guess I was more tired than I thought,” I place my head in my hands, staring down at my cup of coffee.

“Well, if you’d let your boyfriend help out, you’d be more rested,” she smirks my way and turns her attention back to the stove. Fluffy pancakes cook on a skillet and bacon sizzles in the oven.

“I don’t need the lecture from you too,” I prop my head in my one hand, bringing the warm delicious coffee to my lips.

“Kailey, he loves you. Anyone can see that. I know you can too,” she says, flipping a few pancakes and then pouring the eggs into the hot pan.

“It’s not about if he loves me,” I’m finally going to reveal my biggest fear. Something only Jen would have known.

“What then? I don’t want to hear the bullshit about not tying him down.”

“Of course it’s that. He deserves to live a happy life, have a family of his own someday,” I start explaining. “I made a mistake in Colorado. I should’ve fought him, not let him pursue me. I should’ve squashed it immediately. Then he wouldn’t be in this compromising position. He’d be free, living his life without this drama and heavy responsibility.”

“Why didn’t you?” This is not the question I thought would come out of Aunt Holly’s mouth.

“I had liked him for too long, and then suddenly he starts telling me he wants to date me. You know that one guy in high school that you just can’t stop staring at? The one who makes your body shiver with goose bumps just from the sound of his voice? The one you secretly hope to be seated next to or partnered up with in Biology class? The one that you hope one day notices you and falls madly in love with you for ever and ever?” I don’t know if I’ve ever been this honest with anyone about my infatuation with Trey before he knew I existed.

“Doesn’t everyone have that one crush? But it doesn’t mean that it can’t come true. That the prince can’t open his eyes one day to find out his Juliette has patiently been waiting for him.” She mixes up her fairytales, but I understand her meaning. God, I love Trey with every beat of my heart, and that’s why I won’t let him pay for my mistake.

“No, it’s just a fairytale. There’s a reason he never noticed me before. I was just a conquest he tried to conquer and now he’s mistaking it for love.” I can practically feel the coldness of the lies I’m spouting, but it will get me through today. If I can escape the funeral without Trey coming home with me, he has a chance, an opportunity to escape us and find his own life.

“Aw, sweetie, you obviously see a very different man than I do then,” she says, giving me a weak smile and turning her complete attention to the stove.

I’m shocked she actually lets the subject rest, that’s never been her way. Eventually, the girls come downstairs, sleepy eyed and tired. No doubt from their late night. Usually we’re stricter with the bedtimes, but we’re all in uncharted territory.

Chloe sits in her chair while Tara climbs into my lap. My fingers run through Tara’s hair cut in a short bob, similar to Jen. Their resemblance is uncanny. My heart aches for my sister. I already miss her, and it’s only been a few days. Since Tara is nuzzling up to me, pushing her head in the crock of my neck, I know she’s missing her too. The kitchen quiets and even the charismatic Chloe is silent and solemn. Aunt Holly flitters around, placing food filled plates on the table, grabbing the margarine out of the refrigerator, and opening drawers and cabinets for silverware and plates, stacking them on the table. “Don’t just sit there, set the table,” she demands, and Chloe and I start placing plates and silverware out. Tara jumps off my lap and turns on the television, sitting down in her Dora pillow chair.

“Look who woke up?” Uncle Clyde comes downstairs with Drew his arms. I’m surprised to see how fitting of a father he is, since he and Holly never had children of their own. Drew squirms out of his arms and after Uncle Clyde lets him down, he waddles into the room with Tara. Standing up, Uncle Clyde hugs me. “Did you do any thinking last night?” he asks.

“No, she passed out on the couch before I even made it downstairs,” Holly answers for me. “She’s still being blind and stubborn,” she informs him, and he shakes his head in disapproval.

Ignoring their comments, I grab a sippy cup, fill it with milk, and take it to Drew. Pouring Chloe and Tara’s milk, I place them at their settings and excuse myself to go get ready. My feet skid to a stop when I hear Chloe say to Aunt Holly, “These are much better than Trey’s. Where is he?” A heart wrenching pain hits my chest. Is it really fair that I take him away from her too? Quickly, I disregard the thought, it’s better now than in a few months when this life becomes too much for him to bear.

I pass the closed bedroom door to Caden and Jen’s room. Briefly, I think how I would have borrowed something from Jen to wear today on any other occasion. All her beautiful dresses and pants suits from the dinners and faculty events she attended with Caden. The noise from kitchen float up the stairs showing the kids are finally really waking up. My hand reaches for the doorknob on its own accord. Twist it, I tell myself. Bury yourself in the grief, surround yourself in it. Looking down at the floor, I rush in and shut the door behind me.

The smell of fresh linen and cotton has my eyes closing in remembrance of my sister’s favorite scent. Her room spray that she had to swap for candles after the kids came rests on the dresser counter. The bed is made with the precision Caden always possessed. The suitcases sit on the floor next to the footstool. Trey must have brought them in when we returned. Pictures of her and Caden at their wedding, the day they brought Drew home, and all of us last spring on the porch steps line along her dresser. A bowl full of dried up rose petals from the first bouquet Caden ever brought her amongst them. Slowly I walk to the bathroom and their toothbrushes rest next to their designated sinks. Caden’s cologne placed on his shelf with his aftershave and deodorant. Everything exactly where it should be as though he had outlines drawn to where they belong.

Jen’s side a little messier, her hairbrush laying on the counter with strands of her chestnut hair weaved through the prongs.

I walk into their enormous walk in closet. The one Jen demanded Caden redo when they bought the house. There are shelves for her sweaters, shoe racks for her high-end designer shoes. All of Caden’s ties rest on a custom made tie rack Jen had made for him when he became Professor at Western. Jen had ‘Professor Hottie’ engraved across the top. His laundered shirts, hanging up according to color, plaids, or stripes. A small smile creeps across thinking about how Jen and I always imitated his obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and he would tell us that is a serious condition. We would continue laughing until he would leave the room in a huff throwing a pillow at us. For the first time, it hits me; I’ll never have that again. There are no more movie nights where Jen and I force Caden to watch a chick flick while he sits there begrudgingly, secretly enjoying it. We won’t have the rock, paper, scissor game to predict who washes the dishes after a holiday meal. Nothing in my life will be the same again.

A flood of memories come over me. Caden’s expression when I slammed the door in his face that first time I met him. When he asked me for Jen’s hand in marriage and included me in the planning. Their small wedding at Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde’s, Jen with flowers in her hair like some free spirited hippie. Caden in his nice blue suit, his eyes only on her as she walked to him. When Chloe came home and the small bickering between them on who would feed, or change her. Me getting up in exasperation to just make it stop. Their laughter when I returned that it was a game to get me to do it. Me throwing the pillow in their faces then.