All the loss becomes too much for me, and I grab one of Caden’s sweatshirts, throwing it over my head. Pulling a scarf of Jens down, I sink to the floor, curl up in a ball and cry into the scent that’s home. That mixture of Caden’s musk cologne and Jen’s crisp peach lotion that made them, Jen and Caden, a love that ended much too early.

Sobs scream out of me. My fists bang the carpet. My legs curl into me. I’m not sure how long it’s been before Uncle Clyde busts into the room and sits down next to me. Placing his hand on my back, he whispers things will be okay, we will get through this. I allow him to tell me all the bull shit people say after someone dies. I stand up and hug him, saying he’s right and I’ll be fine. Then I walk out of the room, get in the shower, and dress in my best black dress.

Aunt Holly and I dress the girls while Uncle Clyde takes care of Drew. We do their hair and make them look like beautifully angelic girls. Aunt Holly shifts her skeptical gaze to me occasionally. She sees the coldness in every step I make, the robotic moves and directions. I’m slowly shutting down just like I did when I was ten. Pretty soon I’ll be completely in a black hell, it’s safer there. I don’t give a shit what anyone says; I’d rather be alone than feel this heartache again. Twice in one lifetime is enough for me.

Chapter 19

Trey

I sit in the driveway and bang my head against the steering wheel before throwing the car in reverse and speeding off. Not wanting to go home, I continue driving. Thoughts of my whole life float through my head like a slideshow of pictures. All the girls, drinking, and band gigs swarm around my memory of my college years. The baby and Zoey peek through the fog of my mistakes the past five years. I just can’t let Kailey push me away when every fiber in me screams she’s where I belong. It’s her and the kids I’m meant to be with. They’re a package deal, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Now I just need her to stop being so fucking stubborn.

Hours later, I pull in my driveway, and Bridgette’s house is thundering with music and high-pitched laughter. Cars line up and down the street while students mill around the yard with red Solo cups and cigarettes. This is the first time in months that I crave a cigarette. I park the car and holler over at a group of guys huddled around the keg. A guy turns around, and I ask him to bum a cigarette. He’s on his way over when Bridgette appears out of nowhere and holds a butt of one to my lips. She flicks the lighter, and I allow her to stick the cigarette in my mouth before raising the lighter. Inhaling deep, I can’t help but let my eyes wander down her exposed cleavage lit up from the red iridescent glow of the flame. When my eyes turn back up, she’s flirtatiously smiling up at me. A look that would have had me pushing her up against the side of the house already in my former life.

“I heard about Professor Campbell and his wife,” she says flatly. “Shouldn’t you be playing your role of daddy now? Or is the mommy still wanting you to chase her.” Her bitter words has me wanting to flick the lit cigarette in her face.

“God, Bridgette. Jealous?” I accuse, wishing like hell I would’ve just gone into the house.

“Why would I be jealous? She might have gotten you wrapped around her finger, but people like you and me don’t change, Trey.” She takes her finger and slowly moves it down the front of my shirt. “It’s probably for the best, you would’ve broken her heart eventually,” she finishes and smirks up at me.

“You don’t know shit. You’re just a fucking slut, whom no one gives a shit about. I get it, I hurt you. You thought you could be more to me that a good time, but you weren’t. And seeing how spiteful you can be makes me pretty damn happy about that. Don’t hate Kailey because you’re jealous of her. I know there’s a lot to be jealous of, she’s pretty fucking spectacular, but you’ll never be it the same league. Hell, I’m not in the same league, but god damn it if I’m not going to try to make her believe I’m good enough for her,” I assert and turn around toward the house.

“Whatever, Trey, I give it a month tops.” She yells out, and I raise my hand as I continue to walk away and flip her off.

Sadie and Brady are watching a movie. Dex is most likely out. I grab a beer and join them, but it’s another fucking eighties movie. Does Brady have any balls? He’s so damn whipped. Not able to take another love story, I catch the light on in the detached garage. Rob’s in there, working on his Mustang. Figuring at least he’ll give me a fight that might release some of this aggression that’s overflowing in me I head that way.

His long legs lay out from under the car and the cranking of a wrench can be heard from below. “Hey, dipshit, what are you working on?” I announce my presence. Gotta say, I’m surprised he’s not next door at the party.

“What the hell do you want?” He rolls himself out and the grease along his fingers tells me something’s not working right.

I take a long pull of my beer. “Need to work off some steam. Either we fight, or I’ll help you.”

He shuffles over and grabs his own beer, staring at me for a few beats of a second, almost contemplating if he wants my help or not. “I’m getting it ready to race, changing out a few things, so it runs smoother and faster.” He tosses me a wrench, and I take his spot, lying down and sliding under the car.

This is an area Rob and I have always seen eye to eye. He helped me restore my pride and joy, and I’ve given him a hand on his. “I’m still surprised, you bought a new car,” I yell up through the insides of the car.

“Yeah, I think I was just caught up in that instant mediocre fame and the little amount of money I was making on my own. Should’ve bought something to fix-up, make it my own,” he admits. Once I get the new high-torque mini starter tightened, I slide back out.

“It will be your own, but it’s a shame you’ll put so much more money into it.” I toss my empty beer in the trashcan and grab another from his cooler.

“It is what it is.”

“Where you racing?”

“There’s an open track up at Speed Chasers in two weeks. You should do it too. It’s nothing crazy, I think cash prize is only like a thousand, but it’s a huge event.” I have to admit, it’s tempting, but there’s no way I’m doing it. As much as I don’t want to sound like some fucking middle aged man, it’s too dangerous.

“We’ll see,” I tell him, but he knows that’s my decline. “Let’s get this thing going then,” I say, not wanting to allow my thoughts to drift to Kailey and the kids.

Rob and I stay out there in the garage for another three hours. By the time we’re heading back in the house, my forearms are tight and biceps sore from all the back and forth with socket wrenches and screwdrivers. Sadie and Brady must have already gone to bed, and Dex hasn’t returned home, leaving the kitchen dark when we enter. Rob goes to the fridge and offers me another beer, but I’m finished for the night.

“I heard about your girlfriend’s sister and brother-in-law. I’m sorry,” Rob expresses his sympathies, and I’m almost struck with shock. “Let me know if you need anything,” he continues, and I’m thinking someone else has invaded his body.

“I’ve got it handled, but thanks,” I say, leaving the room. “The funerals tomorrow if you want to come.” I begin to tell him the details, but he stops me.

“Sorry, man, I don’t do funerals. But—,” he trails off because it’s Rob. He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve and since tonight was our first conversation in the past months that didn’t include fists clenched or thrown, I’ll leave it as it is. We all know Rob has a past he doesn’t share, and I’m not about to try to figure him out.

“If you need help with the car, just yell,” I tell him and jog up the stairs.