It’s eight-thirty when I arrive at the funeral home the next morning. I could have been here at four this morning, since I didn’t sleep worth a shit. Sixty hours without Kailey snuggled up in my side, but who’s counting. Last night, I even stole the body pillow Jessa left behind, but it doesn’t slightly blow hot breath on my neck or sandwich its leg between mine. My hand can’t tangle through long stands of dark hair or feel its breasts up against my bare chest. So the attempt to sleep with the body pillow was useless for me.

The director, Mr. Greyson meets me outside the office and shakes my hand. I stare at the two caskets and tears pool in my eyes for them and what they’ve left behind. It’s eerie and slightly uncomfortable with the death that encompasses the room. I’m suddenly thrown into a conversation I had with Jen a month or so ago.

“Do you love her?” She asks me point blank.

“Of course,” I answer honestly. A little offended she asked the question.

“How much?” She’s sitting up in her bed eating fries. I just snuck in McDonalds for her while Kailey was picking Chloe up from pre-school. Kailey is strict with Jen’s diet, making sure everything had nutritional value. Jen had secretly sent me a text requesting I pick it up on my way over and the times Kailey wouldn’t be home.

“With every fiber in my body,” I tell her. She pops a fry in her mouth.

“Not good enough.” She washes the fry down with a sip of Diet Coke.

“What do you want me to say?”

“I can’t tell you what to say. That would be an unfair advantage.”

“It’s not a game, Jen,” I add while sitting on the footstool at the end of their bed.

“That’s good to hear. I need to know, Trey. Tell me what I want to hear, put my fears at rest before I leave her.”

“Jesus, Jen, I love her. She’s all I think about, when I’m not with her. I count down the minutes until I see her again. She’s everything to me,” I start, but she still seems unsatisfied. Not sure what she’s looking for me to say. Hell, I feel sorry for Caden. I can’t imagine what he had to prove.

“That’s a good start, but what else?”

Standing up out of pure frustration. I throw both my hands over my head. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her happiness. I’ll protect her with every inch of my skin.”

“She’ll fight you,” she reminds me. “She’ll push.”

“And I’ll fight right back and pull her back to me,” I say, and a smile spread across her face.

“She’s stubborn.”

“I’m persistent and tenacious.”

“She’ll shut down.”

“I’ll find my way in.”

“She’ll use the kids.”

“So will I.” She quirks her eyebrow my way. “For good, of course.”

“She’ll eventually relent. When you least expect it.”

“That’s why I’ll stay determined until she surrenders.”

“To the love you share.”

“Yes, to our love for one another. It will be my biggest selling tool.”

“Your body will help too,” she laughs clearly satisfied with our conversation.

“Take care of my baby sister, Trey.”

“With my life and heart.”

In just the short time I knew her, she wormed her way into my heart. Her perseverance for her sister’s happiness was strong and unwavering. Walking along the wall, the pictures on top of Caden’s casket have me choking back tears. A father taken unexpectedly. He sits on the couch with all three kids around him, and I remember when Kailey took the picture. She had been trying to get more with Jen, but Jen was tired and fell asleep upstairs. Not wanting to ruin all their nice outfits, she had them pose with Caden. It’s almost fitting in a way, now they’ll have these to share.

A loud voice and Tara’s shriek transports me out of my thoughts. When I turn around, Kailey stands outside the doors. Her mouth agape and eyes boring into mine. I pick up Tara off the ground and pull her into my arms. She looks adorable in her black dress with a puffy bottom and satin shoes. “Put me down,” she insists. When I do, she twirls around. “Look, it’s like a princess,” she tells me, and I smile down at her.

“Yep, you’re a princess all right.”

She flutters around the room showing Holly and Clyde how when she circles around, the skirt twirls. Kailey finally makes her way up to the caskets, and Holly nudges her head my way. I pray she’s been a little persistent gnat attached to Kailey when I’m not there.

“Chloe still having nightmares,” I ask, coming along side of her as she stares down at her sister. The blank expression reminds me how Kailey can push things out and keep herself closed off from everyone that loves her.

“Yeah, only one last night,” she softly says, her eyes never leaving Jen.

“Is she sleeping with you,” I ask, and she nods.

“Holly did it last night. I feel asleep on the couch. But it’s the only way so far. Even then she fights me sometimes. She’s so startled she flails her body around until eventually succumbing to sleep again.” Her voice is so expressionless. Where is the woman I love?

“I could spend the night. I can sleep on the couch if you want.” At this point, I’ll take what I can.

She turns her head, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen her eyes so empty and voice void of any inflection. She’s pushed her emotions so far inside, I don’t know if we’ll ever find them. “No,” she says and turns to exit the room.

I’m about to chase after her until I see guests making their way to the caskets, saying their silent goodbyes. Mr. Greyson comes over, and I round up the pallbearers for him. He discusses the duties to the mixture of my friends and Caden’s relatives. It kills me that I’ll be one of them, keeping me from comforting Kailey and the kids the whole time, but at least this is one thing I can do for the man who became my friend.

Just as I’m about to make way to them again, trying to figure out in my head how I’ll ever get her to come out from behind her wall, my mom’s voice has me turning around. Her arms wrap around me, and my dad and brother, Derek, are right behind her. “What are you doing here?”

“Kailey needs us, you need us,” she tells me. My family’s unyielding love never ceases to amaze me.

“Thanks, Mom.” I bury my head into the crook of her neck, wanting to cry like a toddler. I want to tell her my problems and hope she can fix them. She quickly pushes me away, and I follow her footsteps to a very shocked Kailey. My mom mimics her previous motion and gives Kailey a big bear hug. It takes a few seconds, but eventually Kailey reacts and wraps her arms around my mom in return. Then my mom’s hands cup Kailey’s face between them, and my mom says something to her before hugging her again. Seeing Drew at her legs, my mom sweeps him up and swings an arm around Kailey’s shoulders, leading her into the other room.

“Hey, son. Are you holding up?” My dad finally speaks after witnessing the scene between Kailey and my mom.

“It’s okay. She’s shutting me out.” My dad and I have always had a good relationship. He was one of the ones who helped me decide about giving the baby up for adoption and made me realize that it wasn’t a selfish decision.

“I don’t envy her position. This is hard for anyone, but a twenty-two year old.” He shakes his head. “I can’t imagine.”

“I’m becoming desperate, Dad.” He rests his hand on my shoulder.

“Give her some time and space. She’ll come around.” Isn’t that everyone’s answer? But they don’t know her like me. Then I hear Jen’s words again. “She’ll eventually relent.” When god damn it? When will she finally give in?

The director calls everyone in, and I’m about to take a seat with my parents when Chloe and Tara come over and grab each one of my hands, leading me to the couch in front of the caskets. My dad urges me to follow, so I do. They sit me right next to Kailey and hop on our laps. Holly sits in the chair next to us holding a sleepy Drew in her arms. Clyde is on the other side of her. Caden’s parents peer over at our make shift family from their own couch to the right of us.