tired. And homesick. So very, very homesick for that warm place of perfect love and happiness I’ve

never known. Where I can be me and feel good about it. Where I can be me and be loved for it. I know

that it’s Rizzo’s kiss that brought this about, and that confuses me more than anything. Somebody

should say something.

“Can we talk?” Casey finally asks.

“I was worried you wouldn’t even talk to me anymore.”

“Don’t be silly, James. You’re the only one worth talking to.”

That was unexpected. If I’m the only one worth talking to, surely things can’t be as bad as I thought,

right? Shit, I can almost feel my eyes starting to shine hopefully. I don’t want to be hopeful. When the

hell has being hopeful ever done me any good?

There is actually a trace of a smile on his lips. He comes over to me, his eyes fixed on my face.

Casey looks at me in a strange, thoughtful way, and his gaze seems to go deeper, beneath my skin.

Almost as if he sees me for the very first time, really sees me. I get goosebumps.

“Damn. There was so much I wanted to say to you, a million things,” he half-smiles and sighs softly,

sweetly amused. “But now I can’t remember a thing.”

A brief smile flashes across my lips. I’m mesmerized by that look in Casey’s eyes, by that warm,

caring glow. Casey watches me intently, as if trying to interpret every little move I make, every trace of

a smile, every tiny frown.

“But anyway.” Casey pauses, and comes a little closer still. He chews on his lower lip for a moment

before he continues to speak, very softly. “Look, James, I guess it doesn’t matter what each of us did, or

how we hurt each other. All that matters to me is that I don’t want to lose you.”

I swallow audibly, and a shiver runs down my spine.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, and his eyes are carefully hopeful as he waits for my reaction.

“Sorry,” I repeat tonelessly. “You are sorry?”

He nods. “I am.”

“You do realize that it was me who messed up, right?”

“Well, you probably did, a little. But I don’t blame you. And I certainly screwed up too. I know what

he’s like now, Rizzo. But who cares about him anyway, right?” he smiles.

“Don’t you?”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass, to be frank.”

And I can’t help but laugh.

Casey takes another step closer, and this is definitely too close for friends to be standing. My heart is

beating like crazy. He chuckles softly. “Oh, James. Don’t tell me you still don’t understand.”

I just stand there like an idiot, arms hanging at my sides, staring at him. Then I blink slowly. “But…”

“Don’t talk now.”

So we just stand there and look at each other, and his eyes are shining like the stars. I’m so

overwhelmed I have a lump in my throat.

“I know it took me forever to realize, and I hope it’s not too late,” he whispers. “But I’m in love with

you, James. Is that okay?”

“Okay?” I just gape at him, and start to laugh. “Are you out of your mind?”

I pull him so close I am sure it has got to hurt. He clings to me, his fingers warm on my naked back.

He caresses my hair as I lean my head against his face, searching for the words to say that I feel the

same for him, but somehow I am unable to speak. Casey’s scent fills my nostrils and I inhale deeply.

His body is warm and solid against mine… At last. Gently his fingers run along my cheek, and I have

goosebumps all over. Casey leans back a little to look into my eyes. He makes a tiny, shy motion

towards my mouth with his head, and I can hear him breathing softly. I feel like I’m about to die any

moment now as I bend my head slightly to meet him. Our breath mingles, tenderly plays on our faces as

we both lean in. And then our lips touch and we pull each other close into a long, deep kiss.

***

Casey’s skin is velvet, smooth like silk against mine when I hold him afterwards, his even, rhythmical

breaths warm on the curve of my neck. I didn’t think it would be him taking the initiative, but when he

loosened the towel on my hips and dropped it to the ground, there was no stopping anymore. And

everything was unbelievably intense. He’s lying half on my side, his left leg entangled with mine, his

hand resting on my stomach. It feels like with this small gesture, he is claiming me as his. It makes me

feel proud, and in a way… whole.

While all my thoughts seemed to be suppressed before by strong emotions, they are now singing a

chaotic, unordered symphony in my head. But I don’t really mind. I am content, and satisfied, and

absurdly happy. Guessing from the little smile on Casey’s face, so is he.

Softly I kiss his forehead and Casey lifts his chin off my chest and smiles at me with warm,

thoughtful eyes. He kisses my lips with so much emotion. God, he tastes so good, I could just eat him

up. Pensively he runs his fingers along my chest, then down my right arm. His gentle fingertips linger

on a small, round scar the shape of a cigarette tip. Casey lifts his gaze and our eyes meet. He doesn’t ask

about it. He never asks. He just looks at me in that certain way, waiting for me to tell. And maybe

someday I will. Maybe someday I’ll be ready. But not today, not now. Right now I don’t want to think

about any of that shit. I’m still scared that once Casey gets to see all of me, the real me, he won’t be able

to cope.

I kiss a trail along Casey’s collarbone, and his fingers playfully dig into my hair. I love him. I know I

do. But how can it be that I still feel so inadequate? Like I am just not good enough to be with such a

wonderful, caring person? I could chain him to the bed and tattoo my name across his skin, and I’d still

not be able to believe that he is mine.

As I begin to caress his chest with playful licks and kisses, his intense eyes cloud with lust. As I

work my way downwards, he still won’t let himself be so overwhelmed by desire to break eye-contact.

And I get so jealous of the man I’ll never be. Because when Casey looks at me like that, like I’m his

every fantasy come true, I know I don’t deserve to be held up so high. I don’t get how I can be so

incredibly happy, and at the same time… almost sad. Maybe all that crap going through my mind is

simply me being so surprised when it all happened so fast and I didn’t expect it in the least. Maybe it is

too much all at once, maybe I’m not ready. Maybe you just feel that way when a dream comes true,

even more so when you don’t believe in dreams to begin with. Or maybe Rizzo is right after all. It takes

faith, I know that now. More than anything it takes faith to love and be loved. And I never had any faith

in faith before. But I’ll be damned if I don’t even try.

Chapter 16

Supposed To Be

CASEY: This is how it’s supposed to be, I feel this way every time I wake up beside James. I

practically live at his dorm now. Which isn’t as easy as I thought, since I’m a bit of a slob and he is

fanatical about keeping order. I once moved all his pencils an inch to the right while he was out of the

room. I kid you not, it was the first thing he noticed when he came back in.

“I know, I know, I’m Adrian Monk,” he said with a grin, apologetically.

“You’re not. Although I always thought Monk was kinda cool.”

“Yeah, but I’m not cool. It’s just the way I was brought up.”

He seemed really uncomfortable talking about it, so I let it go. But he doesn’t realize that I love him

for those things. I always have. It just feels different now. Maybe because he is mine, with all the weird

little habits of his. And I love those weird little habits.

I sat up one morning, got out my pencil and paper, and drew him while he was fast asleep. I don’t