I love it, I love it, I love it!

Id amo, id amo, id amo!

Make the mother the father, change the cat to a dog, and lose the kid with cancer

Muta matrem in patrem, converte felem in canem, amitte puerum cancerosum

And replace all the love scenes with car chases and set it in the Hamptons instead of the Civil War

Substitue autem persecutiones curriles pro episodiis eroticis, et conloca dramatis actionem in Hamtunis in vicem temporis Belli Civilis Americani

Wait, the girl in the copy room hated it!

Siste, puella in scriptorio xerographico fabulam oderat!

I’m putting it in turnaround

Hoc scriptum in purgatorium committo

Pasadena

Praetermitto

You’ll never eat lunch in this town again

Numquam in hoc oppido prandebis iterum

No mackerel, no eel, and no slab of cold egg crud

Mihi nullus scomber, nulla anguilla, nullum frustum ovorum frictorum frigidorum

When I snap apart the chopsticks, do I make a wish?

Estne mos homini findenti virgulas prehensorias aliquod optatum declarare?

What’s the deal with the little strip of green plastic with the fringe on top?

Quapropter in catillum poni solet illa taeniola plastica viridis fimbrata?

More tuna, please, and another California roll

Da mihi plus de thunno, sodes, et alterum volumen Californicum

How do you get the little piece of fish to stick to the rice ball?

Quo modo cogitur segmentulum piscis globo oryzae adhaerere?

Are those knives as sharp as they look?

Suntne illi cultri tam acuti quam esse videntur?

You guys make great cars!

Vos vehicula praestantia fabricamini!

Sorry about those atom bombs!

Me paenitet illorum pyrobolorum atomicorum!

Thank you very much!

Vobis plurimas gratias ago!

Download the goddamn file, you bug-ridden piece of shit

Assume plicam damnatam, o tu moles muscaria muscerdarum

If you freeze one more time, you’re going straight to the landfill

Si denuo congeles, confestim ibis in fossam purgamentorum

Yeah? Well I’ve got an error message for you, fuckhead-you’re about to be shut down improperly with a ball-peen hammer

Sicine? Nunc age, tibi nuntium erroris habeo, stuprator-mox improprie sopieris malleolo

It’s a hunk of junk!

Acervus inutilium est!

That car is so ugly, you’d have to put a pork chop on the backseat to get the dog to ride in it

Iste currus tam turpis est ut necesse tibi sit ponere offam porcinam in sede postrema ut persuadeas cani ut vehatur eo

You deserve a dopeslap for buying it!

Eum tam imprudenter comparando meruisti alapam!

If the rattle gets too bad, wear earmuffs

Nimium si strepat, indue operimenta tuis auribus

Of course you think you can repair it-you’re a moron!

Scilicet putas te currum reficere posse-stipes es!

Whatever it is, it’s going to cost you five hundred bucks, if that’s what it is

Quodcumque est, Ioachimicis tibi quingentis constabit, siquidem est, quod esse creditur

Try putting it in neutral and pushing it off a cliff

Vide quid eventurum sit si, dinexo ingranagio, currum e scopulo pepuleris

Keep in mind, people in the rearview mirror are even stupider than they appear

Tene memoria, viatores conspectos in speculo retrospicienti stultiores esse quam videntur

And remember, don’t drive like my brother!

Et memento, noli agere currum ut frater meus!

A coyote whose habitat was destroyed by urban sprawl ate my homework

Suo tractu operto suburbio extenso, canis latrans domicilium meum ingressus praescriptum domesticum mihi devoravit

Due to global warming, my homework spontaneously combusted

Orbe terrarum nimium calefacto combustione hydrogonanthracum, pensum meum domesticum sua sponte flammam concepit

My homework was seized as evidence by mistake by DEA agents in a drug bust at the wrong address

In domum meam perperam incurrentes, vigiles qui exsequuntur usum medicamentorum illicitorum nimis studiosi pensum domesticum pro testimonio iniuste abstulerunt

My homework was forcibly recycled by eco-terrorists

Praescriptum meum domesticum per vim in fibras redactum est a sodalitate quae terrore pro Terra utitur

* My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed.

** Bullshit!

My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed

Necesse erat pensum domesticum meum, quod incidit in rabiem pensi deleri

Strict zoning codes enacted by the town board make it illegal for me to work at home

Praescriptis severis de aedificiorum usu decretis a decurionibus municipalibus, mihi non licet operari domi

Because of a lack of statewide standards, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that I had to stop doing my homework immediately

Normis civitati universae deficientibus, quinque ex iudicibus Tribunalis Supremi decreverunt, quattuor negantibus, ut pensum statim deponerem

Now I know how a Muppet feels

Nunc novi quid Manipupa sentiat

Any sign of the trapped miners?

Conspicisne metallicos sepultos?

Are you there yet? Are you there yet? Are you there yet?

Advenistine? Advenistine? Advenistine?

Could you provide me with an affidavit stating that my head is not, in fact, up there?

Potesne mihi testimonium impertire adfirmans caput meum reapse non infixum esse podici?

I’m afraid I have some bad news, doc

Vereor ne tristem tibi nuntium adferam, medice

I’ve noticed you have no concept of time-I’ve been waiting for over an hour

Animadverti te nullam notionem temporis habere-nam plus quam unam horam tibi praestolatus sum

Your handwriting on prescriptions is totally illegible and shows signs of dementia

Chirographum tuum quasi demens in medicamentorum praescriptis nemo legere potest

Your manner is oddly distracted

Te geris mirum in modum neglegenter

You have an extremely strange sense of humor

Inusitatissima iocaris

Your fees are insane

Mercedes tuae insanae sunt

I think you have a brain tumor

Puto te tuber in cerebro alere

I’ll stop in again in a year and see how you’re doing

Reveniam ad annum ut cognoscam de valetudine tua

Hang in there!

Perfer et obdura!