I’d open these bills, but I’m afraid they may contain anthrax

Has epistulas debitorum solutionem poscentes aperirem, sed metuo ne bacilli anthracis insint

The bad news is, the Martians have landed and, boy, are they mean; the good news is they hate Arabs and they piss gasoline

Tristis nuntio Martios descendisse et, eheu, truculentos esse, sed laetus nuntio illos odisse Arabes oleumque octanum meiere

If you don’t give me this putt, the terrorists win

Nisi mihi hunc puteolum concedis, phobistae vincunt

If I can’t get a decent table at a top restaurant on short notice, the terrorists have won

Nisi mensam opimam in popina optima extemplo accumbere possum, phobistae vicerunt

If you won’t sleep with me, the terrorists will have won

Nisi mecum concubueris, phobistae vicerint

Get out the duct tape-I’m about to fart!

Effer fasciam adhaesivam-mox pedam!

I surrender! Please do not fire your catapult!

Me dedo! Quaeso, noli iacere tela ballista!

There is no anti-Roman sentiment here!

Hic nemo est quin Romam amet!

We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!

Amamus vestras currus immanes, cibum festinanter paratum, et cultum saevum!

We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!

Odimus duces nostros improbos pravosque!

We welcome you as liberators, not conquerors!

Vos non victores, sed liberatores salutamus!

We never liked that dirty old city-it’s so much nicer as rubble!

Istam urbem squalidam senescentem numquam dileximus-confracta, multo magis nobis placet!

* We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!

** We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!

*** We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!

We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!

Multo malimus ab imperatore remoto regi, etiamsi frutex sit!

If you see anything you like, don’t hesitate to take it!

Si quid videtis quo delectamini, agite, capite sine mora!

We’ll be sure to let you know if any Huns come this way!

Curabimus ut sciatis num ulli Hunni appropinquent hac via!

Have a really nice epoch!

Sit vobis aetas felicissima!

Taste laser death, alien insect scum!

Oppetite mortem lumine amplificato stimulata emissione radiorum, cimices extraterrestriales foedi!

Eat hot lead, Nazi zombie robot commandos!

Vescimini glandibus plumbi candentis, velites nationalisticosocialistici cadaverosi automatarii!

Feel the keen edge of the sword of doom, no-good, stinking, corpse-eating tomb-ghouls!

Sentite aciem acrem ensis mortiferi, o larvae putidae, o bustirapi nefandi!

I am going to program a simulation of the Roman Empire and rule it unjustly, cruelly, and incompetently!

Mihi est in animo programmare simulationem imperii Romani quam iniuste, atrociter, imperite regam!

Tax the poor!

Impone vectigalia pauperibus!

Bribe the senators!

Corrumpe pecunia senatores!

Rig the elections!

Falle comitia!

Screw minorities!

Defrauda nationes minores in tua civitate!

Pack the courts with obedient dunces!

Stipa basilicas stipitibus obsequentibus!

Arrest protestors on trumped-up charges!

Infer commenta crimina seditiosis apprehensis!

Invade other countries pretty much at random!

Infer forte temere bellum aliis gentibus!

What could possibly go wrong?

Quid nobis infeliciter fieri potest?

On the advice of counsel, I have decided to testify in Latin

Iurisconsultus mihi suasit ut testimonium dicerem Latine

My patron saint, Miranda, appeared to me in a vision and told me to remain silent

Patrona mea, Sancta Miranda, apparens mihi somnio me iussit tacere

Whom are you going to believe, me or some snot-nosed little boy, no matter how cute?

Utri vos convenit credere? Mihi, an nescio cui puero parvulo muculento, quamlibet pulchellus sit?

Look, these legal fees are putting quite a dent in the old collection plate

En, mercedes iurisperitorum discum eleemosynarium vero vacuefaciunt

What if I say one million Our Fathers and a couple hundred thousand Hail Marys and we just call it even?

Si Orationum Dominicarum decies centena milia recitabo, Salutationumque Beatae Mariae bis vel ter ducena milia, eritne satis?

The devil made me do it!

Diabolus me coegit peccare!

I’m only repeating a query that dates back to the Chaldeans, but may I ask, what is your sign?

Si modo licet mihi te rogare idem quod antiqui Chaldaei suas puellas rogare solebant-quo signo nata es?

I think it was Pliny the Elder-or was it Pliny the Younger?-who first pioneered the concept of self-introduction by way of the purchase of a libation, and it is really in homage to him that I am moved to offer to buy you a drink

Credo Gaium Plinium Secundum Maiorem-aut Gaium Plinium Caecilium Secundum Minorem-instituisse ut vir, qui se notiorem puellae facere vellet, ei aliquid liquoris Lyaei compararet; itaque in commemorationem illius iuvat potiunculam tibi praebere

Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”

Hoc Marcus Tullius optime verbis expressit, neque profero alia quam ipsissima verba optimi omnium oratorum cum adsevero te venustas habere mammas

* Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”

** It is required of you to go fuck yourself.

Just as Aeneas inquired of Dido in Book Four of the Aeneid after stating his desire to install his obelisk in her temple of love, your place or mine?

A te quaeso, sicut in Aeneidos libro quarto Aeneas, elocutus desiderium erigendi suum obeliscum in templo Venereo Didonis, ab ea quaesivit, tuae domi an meae?

In the deathless words of the great philosopher-emperor Marcus Aurelius, of course I will respect you in the morning

Si me decet immortalia verba usurpare Marci Aurelii, imperatoris illustris philosophici, certe apud me in honore eris, cras mane